Hello there my literate compatriots. No doubt right now, you're wondering exactly what I, Javann, have expert advice on. When Expert Tuesday was first conceptualized, I was at a bit of an impasse. I have no unique skills, other than being able to reach items in high places, and that basically puts me on the same scale as a giraffe. Not to belittle any of the giraffes who may be casually perusing this, but lets be frank, giraffe expertise isn't high demand. After talking to Jeremy, the idea of an expert Tuesday involving spelling was concieved, and somehow through the great power that is Jeremy I was convinced, rather forcefully I might add, that I should do "How To Appear Intelligent". Apparently I'm quite good at this.
But what do I mean by "appear intelligent?" Wouldn't one have to acquire vast amounts of knowledge to "appear intelligent"? Sadly enough, this is true. But how many of us have the time or the desire to attain doctorates in any known field of study, much less all the fields of study available at even our local university. Such a feat would be highly difficult, if not utterly impossible. So then, where does that leave us? With the "art" of appearances. You see, some people acquire knowledge simply for the pure love of it. And then there is the rest, who simply want to have knowledge for the sheer pleasure of being superior to those around us. Which brings me back to the point at hand, the appearance of intelligence.
At this point, you've infallibly determined what I mean by appearing intelligent. In fact, I've been practicing this somewhat fine art from the start of this somewhat longwinded essay. So lets get down to the meatier matters, shall we?
First, obviously, knowledgeable people have a vast vocabulary at their disposal. This vocabulary has come to them from years of study, reading, and quests for understanding. As a person seeking to look intelligent, all you have to do is learn at least two words for everyday common things. First, of course, know what the common name is, and then you'll want to know a larger synonym, which shall serve as a "replacement word". For instance, rain is also precipitation. Cars are automobiles. Gas can be either gasoline, or my personal favorite, petrol. The key, however is to use this knowledge correctly. You will not sound intelligent if you say, "Oh, look, its precipitating outside." If I hear you say that, I will personally belittle (humiliate, deride, or even taunt) you there on the spot. However, if you were say, "I believe this particular and rather sudden percipitation has been caused by the weather front and the increased barometric pressure," you will appear more than intelligent enough to say, acquire a government job and do no work for the rest of your life.
A second point on appearing intelligent is understanding what the words you've chosen as your "replacement words" literally mean. If I call someone a miscreant with malicious intent, I'd better be sure that he truly is a loser who wants to hurt me. Don't worry though, if you have a replacement word that you aren't familiar with you are somewhat safe. Unless of course you actually meet a true intellectual. This is to be avoided at all costs.
How can you be sure that you've met and intellectual. Take a minute to print the check sheet below.
Through careful observation, answer the following questions as yes or no.
1) Does this person have a master's or doctorate? Y/N
2) If you were to estimate his/her average word length per word would it be above 5? Y/N
3) Has this person used a technological term that only he/she would know, BUT instead of using it and then leaving it, did he/she also explain into great detail what it meant, taking time to simplify it for the puny minds of those who heard him/her? Y/N
4) How many times have you been lost in coversation with the person in question? Has it been more that five times? Y/N
If you get somewhere around a 2 out of four or higher, you've discovered an intellectual. Whatever you do, do not engage this person in conversation. Your weak facade will be removed revealing your true visage. This is not pretty. In fact, it is terrifyingly painful to see and to experience.
Keep these things in mind:
1) Larger words mean better impressions ONLY if used properly, and in the case of writing, SPELLED properly.
2) Definitions are our friends.
3) Truly intelligent people will spot you for the phony you are. Feel free to avoid them at all costs.
And that is the basic key to "appearing intelligent". Now that you know my secret, I look forward to our next conversation. Unless you are truly intelligent. Then I look forward to walking away from you.
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