Expert Tuesday (How to Appear Intelligent) By Javann Jones
Hello there my literate compatriots. No doubt right now, you're wondering exactly what I, Javann, have expert advice on. When Expert Tuesday was first conceptualized, I was at a bit of an impasse. I have no unique skills, other than being able to reach items in high places, and that basically puts me on the same scale as a giraffe. Not to belittle any of the giraffes who may be casually perusing this, but lets be frank, giraffe expertise isn't high demand. After talking to Jeremy, the idea of an expert Tuesday involving spelling was concieved, and somehow through the great power that is Jeremy I was convinced, rather forcefully I might add, that I should do "How To Appear Intelligent". Apparently I'm quite good at this.
But what do I mean by "appear intelligent?" Wouldn't one have to acquire vast amounts of knowledge to "appear intelligent"? Sadly enough, this is true. But how many of us have the time or the desire to attain doctorates in any known field of study, much less all the fields of study available at even our local university. Such a feat would be highly difficult, if not utterly impossible. So then, where does that leave us? With the "art" of appearances. You see, some people acquire knowledge simply for the pure love of it. And then there is the rest, who simply want to have knowledge for the sheer pleasure of being superior to those around us. Which brings me back to the point at hand, the appearance of intelligence.
At this point, you've infallibly determined what I mean by appearing intelligent. In fact, I've been practicing this somewhat fine art from the start of this somewhat longwinded essay. So lets get down to the meatier matters, shall we?
First, obviously, knowledgeable people have a vast vocabulary at their disposal. This vocabulary has come to them from years of study, reading, and quests for understanding. As a person seeking to look intelligent, all you have to do is learn at least two words for everyday common things. First, of course, know what the common name is, and then you'll want to know a larger synonym, which shall serve as a "replacement word". For instance, rain is also precipitation. Cars are automobiles. Gas can be either gasoline, or my personal favorite, petrol. The key, however is to use this knowledge correctly. You will not sound intelligent if you say, "Oh, look, its precipitating outside." If I hear you say that, I will personally belittle (humiliate, deride, or even taunt) you there on the spot. However, if you were say, "I believe this particular and rather sudden percipitation has been caused by the weather front and the increased barometric pressure," you will appear more than intelligent enough to say, acquire a government job and do no work for the rest of your life.
A second point on appearing intelligent is understanding what the words you've chosen as your "replacement words" literally mean. If I call someone a miscreant with malicious intent, I'd better be sure that he truly is a loser who wants to hurt me. Don't worry though, if you have a replacement word that you aren't familiar with you are somewhat safe. Unless of course you actually meet a true intellectual. This is to be avoided at all costs.
How can you be sure that you've met and intellectual. Take a minute to print the check sheet below.
Through careful observation, answer the following questions as yes or no.
1) Does this person have a master's or doctorate? Y/N
2) If you were to estimate his/her average word length per word would it be above 5? Y/N
3) Has this person used a technological term that only he/she would know, BUT instead of using it and then leaving it, did he/she also explain into great detail what it meant, taking time to simplify it for the puny minds of those who heard him/her? Y/N
4) How many times have you been lost in coversation with the person in question? Has it been more that five times? Y/N
If you get somewhere around a 2 out of four or higher, you've discovered an intellectual. Whatever you do, do not engage this person in conversation. Your weak facade will be removed revealing your true visage. This is not pretty. In fact, it is terrifyingly painful to see and to experience.
Keep these things in mind:
1) Larger words mean better impressions ONLY if used properly, and in the case of writing, SPELLED properly.
2) Definitions are our friends.
3) Truly intelligent people will spot you for the phony you are. Feel free to avoid them at all costs.
And that is the basic key to "appearing intelligent". Now that you know my secret, I look forward to our next conversation. Unless you are truly intelligent. Then I look forward to walking away from you.
Comments
You and my brother, Seth (Goes by Keats here) are exactly alike. He thinks he is intelligent, but isn't. People do tend to call him the human dictionary with his big words he uses all the time. Hard fighting with him because he always starts using them. I get lost with not being able to know what the words mean and quit. Really hard losing to your little brother. The bigger sounding words I know are all medical and they don't tend to work with him.
The other night Kevin and I were talking and I was telling him some of the words you used to use on me and he started laughing. Said you were such a dork in the day. You must have learned how to perfect it because he says your okay now (he doesn't realize that you still do it).
By the way thought everyone might like to know Sethers is going to be a daddy any day now to a baby boy, Garrett Mason. Allison is a week over due already (poor thing). Guess he will be teaching his son this. Wonder what his first word will be.
Posted by: Amber | October 27, 2004 04:52 AM
My vote for his first word is: disestablishmentarianism....he'll be a pro at those spelling bees too
Posted by: Nina | October 27, 2004 09:17 AM
My vote for his first word is: disestablishmentarianism....he'll be a pro at those spelling bees too
Posted by: Nina | October 27, 2004 09:17 AM
Disestablishmentarianism is without a doubt a favorite of mine too. That and totalitarianism.
Posted by: Javann, Tremaine's Arch Nemesis | October 27, 2004 09:35 AM
Javann, the John's, and I enjoy getting into "Fake Intelligence Battles", which are most often punctuated by much pontification and head bobbing. Many are amused by this. Some are frightened. Others, however, are simply frustrated that such talents are wasted on futile attempts at confidence building, because you see, all of us, the fake-ly intelligent, are/were and will always be...
Nerds
dah
Posted by: D.A. | October 27, 2004 09:38 AM
Indeed, indeed.
*nods slowly and takes a sip of tea*
Posted by: Captian Jonathan!!! | October 27, 2004 10:24 AM
Javann, this is one of the most joyful reading experiences I have had in recent memory. I applaud the efforts you have taken in explaining this dying art. Too many of us today take a man at face value, and this should be exploited. What would life be without looking your sister squarely in the face and quipping somewhat sheepishly "If our genes had been fallowed in a more propitious manner I am confident my proprietary nature would have surely anounced itself rather unobtrusively upon the indolent and inept, such as yourself. Unfortunately, one cannot change the past, and I am left with but mental fortitude while you garner great joy from inexplicable cerebral torpidity. This is a sad day, indeed..." without experiencing the joy of hearing the reply "Thank you."
Amber: After you have finished looking up the words you can write something back to me. I'm sure you've been able to surmise, by the tone, that this is not a kind string of words. :)
Thanks for all the baby thoughts. I'll let ya'll know when he's here.
Posted by: keats | October 27, 2004 01:33 PM
Javann, your article was most impressive. But on a side note, one does not always need to use big words to get their point accross...remember Pinky & the Brain ...definately a case of Intellectual vs. NotsoMuchupstairs (and one the all time great cartoons)...
Brain: Pinky, promise one thing...
Pinky: What's that Brain?
Brain: DONT...EVER...BREED!
or my alltime favorite of...
"If I could reach you, I would hurt you..."
Posted by: Jeremy | October 27, 2004 02:14 PM
My arch-nemesis is quite proficient at putting on the facade of intelligence. It is for that reason that we are and shall always be arch nemeses. For you see, my mask of intelligence is put on so well that I can almost be categorized as truly intelligent and therefore am always at odds with Javann, whose intelligence is clearly an illusion. A mirage of intelligence in a world parched with stupidity. For instance, how many [almost] truly intelligent people would have misspelled words such as “conceived," “precipitation,” and “conversation”? I venture to say none. Yet Javann misspelled all three in his synopsis on appearing intelligence (“i” before “e” except after “c” Javann). And what compounds the mistake is the fact that he later expresses the need for words to be spelled correctly. How embarrassing. As for replacing the use of the word “gas” with the word “petrol” to give the appearance of a gargantuan lexicon, avoid this at all cost. It will accomplish nothing. Javann has made the key mistake of thinking that sounding British makes you sound smart. Our cronies across the Atlantic are no smarter than we are. Javann, you and the giraffes should stick to reaching objects in high places. I actually have an unabridged dictionary on the top shelf of a bookcase that you may want to peruse. I just recently finished reading it and think that you may be in serious need of one. So, until next time my poo-poo headed compatriot in the truth. I bid thee adieu and good-bye.
Posted by: Tre | October 27, 2004 04:25 PM
Four years in an institution of higher learning and I still had to break out the dictionary to decipher some of these entries. I suppose I will have to buy one of those vocabulary building calendars and learn a new impressive word each day. It shouldn’t take long and then I can appear to be intelligent also. Oh wait, if I try that, I will have to hang out with a whole new group of people since those who already know me realize the truth. Never mind, I will just wallow in my ignorance.
Posted by: Grumpy | October 27, 2004 06:03 PM
well... i guess i could be termed "inteligent" from this chart. The job title "Rocket Scientist" never hurts either.
Yet on first impression... i'm just this country bloke from the state you never visited. My vestiage of inteligence lay neither in word or spelling... but really i dont care. I find it humorous when people think i'm a moron... for i dont really care what peopel think.... i'd rather be able to solve problems... do understand hyperbolic planes... Solve national challenges Today someone at work introduced me as the guy who "solved the Columbia Accident when no one else could figure it out" Kinda cool when someone with a PhD calls ya genious.
But ah who cares... I say Lets go burn something.
Posted by: itzjerm | October 27, 2004 10:10 PM
Intriguingly enough, Tremaine, your comment on my errors contains errors itself. You see, I never claimed to be perfect, just better than you. No one else mind you, just better than you. And regardless of what you think, petrol is twice the word that gas itself is. Quite literally since petrol has six letters and gas has three. Before challenging my expertise, next time you should challenge yourself. =)
Posted by: Javann, Tremaine's Arch Nemesis | October 28, 2004 10:11 AM
Not to pick sides on the Javann-Tremaine battlefront. But you have to admit that petrol is a lame word, despite its supperior amount of characters to gas. If your looking for superiority based on letters in a word, then one should go with gasoline, it has more characters and you won't sound like a dork saying it.
Posted by: Jeremy | October 28, 2004 10:50 AM
Now, unfortunately – what with Tre's observations in which he pointed out a number of incongruities within Javann's own pseudo-intelligent hypothesis - it's no big secret that Javann is actually a moron who likes to play video games (poorly) and do other unintelligent things (e.g. eat sandwiches). How could you let this happen, Javann? I mean, they’re such egregious errors.
Hey Seth, for the kid's first word you should go with brobdingagian. That's less cliché than disestablishmentarianism (cause that's sorta everyone's favorite word).
Posted by: Captian Jonathan!!! | October 28, 2004 11:06 AM
All right now that I have actually had time to get my dictionary out to look up most of those words I am going to do what I always do and just keep my mouth shut becuase there is no use in a reply.
By the way I am not lazy (I think that was Indolent). Would a lazy person get up at 5:00 to start work when there is no set time that I need to start work (Look at time of my first post)? I dare you to enter my life (that includes being 6 1/2 months pregnant) and see if you can handle it. We will see who the real indolent person is!!!
Posted by: Amber | October 28, 2004 01:43 PM
Javen, I thought the Roman Soldier helmet made you look intellegent. Also, fear inspiring.
Anyway, the above was well written.
LeAnn Gibson
Posted by: LeAnn | October 30, 2004 11:45 AM