Champions... Really? Nightmares Say it all...
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Javann has completed the task of becoming the master eater of ribs this weekend. Or Did he?
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For the Moans and groans (and focused breathing) of Rex allowed him an impressive second. How is this?
Well at the quaziannual eat all the ribs you can night, Javann came in with a dream, and a day of fasting to back it up. Therefore, with the consumption of 6 racks of ribs he was placed on the throne of rib eating champs. Beating a record "as only Javann could".
However dismissing the logical direction "Swallow your pride not the pig" Rex consumed 5 racks of ribs. It would appear the obvious winner was Javann... However, being the mathematically inclined individual I am, I devised the human to consumption ratio equation to determine the true champion.
Defining the Variables of the Equation
W=Weight
H=Height
PBN=Puberty Biased Number
Under 11=1.5
12-13=1.25
14-18=1
19-20=1.25
Over 21=1.5
R=Number of Ribs Ate
This provides the Equation
HCR=((10R)*PBN)/(W*2H)
Based on this equation the final results provide
Kevin HCR=34
Javann HCR=27
Rex HCR=38
Thus providing the championship to Rex. This equation is continued in accuracy by the results after eating. IE... Kevin didnt eat for 2 days after, Rex didnt move for 2 days after, and Javann didnt eat for 2 hours after.
One other problem from a late competition such is this is the psychological effects. (You're gonna have nightmares when you go to sleep... that is if you can, right Rex?)
Javann related a dream in which I went around killing everyone dressed up like him. When the cops came to arrest him, he attested it couldn’t be him, because he didn’t even like the people that were killed. (Hmm there is a good defense). Meanwhile I some how turn into Michael Jackson, after which Javann and I get into a classic movie bar brawl. After taking care of Michael, Javann sits down for a sandwich, which begins to sing Lincoln Park to him.
And that is the main lesson, do not eat late, large amounts of food.
Speaking of odd dreams had any lately?
Comments
God, you guys are making me hungry! I gotta get in on this when the assembly rolls around.
My training begins today!
(ties Rambo bandana around head, unbottons pants)
D.A.
Posted by: NoBodD | January 26, 2004 09:38 AM
OH! I forgot my nightmare!
Right.
So the world is full of zombies. You can kill them with samurai swords. They're really slow moving and easy to kill ("ZOMBIE SHOOTEEEEEEEEER!!!"), so me and some of the other surviving members of humanity are in this nice glassy house. Every now and then we have to hew down the zombies that come inside, but no big deal.
Well, apparently a zombie that looks like the clown in IT has taught the rest of the zombies how to move fast and set traps for us, so we are lured outside the house to chase off some remaining zombies and my of my compatriots gets killed by a hatchet-weilding zombie in a basement ambush.
I, on the other hand, bring out a device that someone has come up with that spins around very fast on a central axis and slings balloons filled with zombie killing agent...oh, and all of the zombies are dressed like clowns now.
So, I DIVE to the ground, vanquish this horde of zombies with my machine, and then am left to do battle with the IT zombie who I cleave in two with my samurai sword.
Then I wake up and my light doesn't work.
I throw the covers over my head and whimper back to sleep.
D.A.
Posted by: NoBodD | January 26, 2004 09:53 AM
only you jeremy, only you
Posted by: megan | January 26, 2004 03:47 PM
A few questions Jeremy. . .why is height only a 1/2 factor? You should explain how you derived the entire formula, though I must admit the Puberty Bias Number is a stroke of sheer genius. Needless to say, I'm just very curious as to how you derived this equation. I have to admit, seeing Rex put away five racks of ribs was insane. I may never witness such a spectacle of pure eating ability again in my life. Not to mention the fortitude he showed when Skyler grabbed him afterwards and shook him upside down. That made me sick.
Posted by: Inanely Human | January 26, 2004 04:20 PM
its simple to understand why height is a factor of 2 over weight... basically the atempt is to create an equlity of effect between weight and height. With more bias toward weight. Since Misconstrued labs did not have time to perform rigorous testing, it was found this was the quickest fix. Why?
(And I should be scorned for not using units in my definitions...)
But H is in inches, W is in lbs. Therefore if you take someone who is 5ft=60inches, then multiply by two you get 120, which is closer to a weight unit...
For maximum correctness actually 2 should be replaced with a value say, x which would represnt the curve you see on a height to weight curve for the average person. However, this is a curve with slope of 2. Not a strait line, therefore, a mild representation of the more expected polynomial type function.
So see its pretty accurate. (Especially for determined early in the morning)!
Posted by: itzjerm | January 26, 2004 05:43 PM
My hair looks awesome in that picture. . .does it always look that good? I'll have to start not brushing it more often. . .
Posted by: Inanely Human | January 26, 2004 09:10 PM
those racks look a bit small, the current Vancouver record is 4 long racks, not Alabama racks. touchee
Posted by: tome | January 29, 2004 02:28 PM